When dealing with loss, you will feel that you cannot do it on your own. You think you need friends and family to help you cope. Yet you will be surprised how strong you are to do this.
I often look at my other half and think what if he dies; I will simply want to die too. I cannot picture a life without him. His side of the bed empty, the meals, the telly, the shopping. The everyday life we share, two has become one.
The reality is that people die every day and eventually one of us will have to leave. Quite a dreary thought, what if it is in the case of divorce or separation? Would we then stop living? It will possibly feel that way at first. Time does heal, time changes things, wounds heal – psychological and physical wounds do heal.
My message here is that you will go on, you have to do the time.
In the early days, you will rely on other people to fill the void This, however, is being selfish as they can never fill that person’s role. We on the outside also try and smother the person with love and attention when in actual fact they need time to grieve. Grief is the scab that will help to continue the journey called life.
When the grief starts to lesson, we realise that we were equipped to deal with the pain all along. As the days become more the tears will turn to smiles as we realise that our loved ones never really left us, they just take a place in our thoughts and hearts. The memories are worth more than gold. Getting to this stage is worthwhile, even if it seems like you never will.
When you have a bad day and crave being able to share it with your loved one or when the tears are brimming over, and there is no one to wipe them away. Have a bath, breathe deep calm breaths and then wipe your tears, hug yourself, experience the emotions. Be strong. Give yourself a chance. You will see that the feeling passes and that you will find the strength to continue. Don’t be too hard on yourself. This healing thing is just about impossible. Give yourself time, give yourself space and give yourself compassion. Just be gentle.
You might not see a future at this time as your grief overwhelms you, just consider that some person somewhere is experiencing what you are and just maybe someday you could learn to love again. Never like you did, that was then but different. Just perhaps you will be whole again. Maybe not tomorrow but maybe, just maybe.
The fact that you are still here and your beloved not, means that you have given up the right to lose. Failure is not a choice. You will need to find a new lust for life regardless how hard it may seem. It may seem impossible. You owe that person to make it. If the shoe was on the other foot, I am sure he would have lived to the fullest. Look death in the eye and realise that your time will come, but it is not here yet, not by a longshot. Keep walking forward. Do it simply because you can. This life is precious.
When the pain subsides, you will be able to see again. The hardest part about grief is is that it is soul destroying. I don’t think that any person who said that I know how you feel, or is there anything I can do, actually meant it at the time. This is something that you need to deal with on your own. Hard words, I know. Now that I know what I never knew then and as someone who chose to live I tell you, you will live again. I am glad I chose to fight.
Do not be too proud to ask for help.Therapy works. Having this neutral person to release at, priceless. They cannot judge, they cannot mend, but they are there. The lifeline. They will listen and understand. The time spent in the presence of a therapist is crucial. They do know what you are feeling, and they can help you tremendously. It is important to share with someone who is not involved for they have no emotions to interfere with yours.
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If it becomes too much and it will, when merely breathing feels like a chore – Don’t give up, please don’t give up. Phone your therapist, use them as the lifeline you so need. It’s all good, this is part of the process of healing.
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