Have you been in a relationship where your partner is cheating on you? One of your first thoughts is, what have I done wrong, or what am I doing wrong!?
After about 15 years of experience and research, Dr. R. Scott Gornto, a therapist, discovered why people have affairs. Dr. Gornto explains that when affairs begin, a person doesn’t fall in love with the other person, at least not initially.
Here are a few of the common reasons why people cheat after years of marriage:
Falling in love with the idea of the person.
It is not the person they fall in love with but rather a fantasy they have created inside their heads. People fall in love with the picture they have painted of what life would be like with this person. They believe that someone will meet all their needs.
Affairs are about a deep longing and need for external validation.
One of the reasons is when a person is in the prime of life, they go through what is called a midlife crisis.
People often search for validation outside of themselves and their marriage. They need to hear and feel that they are attractive, valued, etc.
In their marriage, they become comfortable, and they don’t get that satisfaction and fulfillment anymore. Having an affair, the person would be new, so everything is refreshing, and they would get those feelings again.
They become intoxicated by the feelings they get from this affair. The new person would hang on their every word. They also feel that they are not being taken for granted because they are getting attention and admiration.
Therefore, they fall in love with the new image and version of themselves — that version of receiving praise and attracting new people.
Feelings become addictive.
New relationships (romances) gives positive external feedback, and the person can become addicted to that feeling they get from it.
During the affair’s initial stage, three main chemicals released are dopamine, adrenaline, and serotonin are some of love’s fundamental chemicals.
Therefore, the other person rarely brings on the affair; more often than not, affairs begin due to a lack of a need to feel valued and noticed.
Before you take a step towards having an affair, step back, and reflect on your own inner needs and longings.
Men’s and women’s needs in a relationship are different.
In any relationship, understanding the different needs of men and women is vital for survival. Men have needs where they need to feel appreciated. Female needs are to feel loved.
Men need to communicate through their actions while women need to communicate through words. Whereas men need time to sort their emotions out, women need to unburden theirs through words.